f o c u s
by JaneSwan
Summary: f!Hawke. Rogue. Assassin. Duelist. Lara Hawke, Champion of Kirkwall, is after all, only human. And any human can fall to temptation. When an old mage offers a deal, Hawke can't refuse. But Hawke holds a secret she would do anything to protect. Anything. F!Hawke/Multi
1. Prologue

**f o c u s **

Lara Hawke awoke to see an old and crumpled woman at the foot of her bed, watching her intently. Hawke had one hand wrapped around a concealed dagger and glared at the hag through the haze of night.

She glanced at the fireplace, her mabari, Sedas, sleeping soundly on the rug. She was skilled then, to enter without alerting him.

"Calm yourself, Serrah," she said, her graying hair flying in whisps around her face. "I will do you no harm."

Hawke had seen this hag before, she was sure. The similarities to a younger girl were obvious. Perhaps she had a daughter?

"I had seen that look, Champion. You recognize me, but when we last met I was... youthful." Her face was unreadable, only a touch of emotion displayed in her dark eyes.

"How?"

The woman shook her head. "That is only part of the reason I've come. I have used my connection with the fade to experiment."

Hawke's stomach plunged. She waited for the woman to admit to blood magic, the worst sin of all.

The woman gave her a disapproving stare. "I have not touched the atrocity that is blood magic if that's what you're thinking. Blood magic isn't the reason I look so old." She looked down at herself, a sneer curling her lips. "No. I have learned the most forbidden magic of all."

Worse than blood magic? The pain in her stomach returned tenfold.

"Time magic."

don't lose

**f o c u s**

It was farfetched. Time magic? There was such a thing? Hawke was desperately trying to dissuade herself from the eagerness that threatened to take over.

She's made mistakes, more than she cared to admit. Carver, Bethany, her mother. She's spent more than one night losing seep and thinking of what ifs. If she had been stronger. If she'd only known...

She tried as hard as she could not to be pulled into it. Maker works in mysterious ways. Everything had happened for a reason.

But, Maker, to see her family again...

She looked at the old woman, Anise, she called herself.

"You want me to go back?" she asked, forcing a disinterested tone into her voice. "You can send me back in time?"

"Yes. On the condition that you stop me from touching this infernal magic."

"How far back can I go?" Hawke willed herself not to start pacing. She'd gotten out of bed, dressed, and was absentmindedly petting Sedas as she made a fire from the embers to warm the cold room.

Anise closed her eyes for a moment, deliberating. "Ten years. To the beginning when you arrived in Kirkwall. Maybe more."

To save those I cared about...

"Is it possible to go back eleven years?"

Eleven years gives her one year to save her family and find her friends. Stop Anders from taking Justice into himself. Save Fenris from Danarius. Stop Isabela from stealing from the Qunari. Save Aveline and her then husband, Wesley. Save Sebastain from himself (and making the horrid decision to be a brother in the Chantry). Hawke knew that she couldn't stop the slaughter of his family, but she'd be there for him. From the beginning this time.

She wasn't sure what she could do for Varric. The man always seemed happy. Perhaps the Deep Roads would be better? She would fight harder to bring everyone. I won't leave Bethany alone again.

_I won't fail anyone this time._

It was decided. Hawke's mistakes would be made right.

_I will protect everyone this time._

_I have to._

keep your

**f o c u s**

"Keep your promise, Hawke. Stop me from using this cursed magic, even if I'm made tranquil. Eleven years ago I was in Kirkwall's circle. If you have to tell a templar that I'm a blood mage, do it. I'd rather die beautiful than look like this."

She lifted her arms, the rags hanging from her form, holey and warn. Hawke could hear how vain she truly was and felt better knowing she could never become like her.

"Alright. I understand, Anise."

She didn't.

"Can I take anything besides knowledge?"

Anise pinched the bridge of her nose. "You want to make this more difficult..." She sighed. "Fine! You'll probably need it. You can take only what you can hide on your person. No carry-ons."

Hawke grinned. "Shouldn't be hard, considering I'm a rogue. Never know how many weapons we have on us."

She proceeded to line her clothing with weapons, poisons, runes, sovereigns, and a bit of jewelry here and there. She even managed a change of clothes. She took her mother's locket in her hands, rubbing a thumb over the gold. She pulled it over her head and allowed it to fall, hidden under her armor.

Anise was watching her with wide eyes. "How many sovereigns did you manage? At least two hundred!"

Hawke gave her a dry look. "That's quite a low number. Do you doubt my abilities? Add at least four zeros."

She had quite a bit of money on her, and then the jewelry should she run out. If she could somehow manage to spend it all. Doubtful.

She squatted down next to Sedas, patting his head. "I'll see you in the past, old boy. Be good, alright?"

He gave a confused bark, not quite understanding where his mistress was going and why he couldn't follow.

Hawke gave him a small smile before standing, serious and ready.

No one's going to die this time. No one will be taken from me again.


	2. i: it sinks in

From here on out it'll be in Hawke's point of view, especially seeing how the game is in first person. I'll try my best to relay her feelings. Also, the pairing has not been decided. I'm rather indecisive. Please enjoy.

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><p><strong>f o c u s <strong>

it sinks in

Lothering was beautiful in the summertime, one year before the Blight when the land becomes black as Hell and just as tainted.

My eyes watered at the sight. Suddenly my view changed from the horizon to the sky, dizzy and a dull pain in my stomach.

"Sorry, sister! Thought you were going to block that!" yelled a familiar voice. I heard him approach but couldn't prepare myself to see the face of my younger brother.

"Woah, what are you wearing? Do rogues specialize in changing clothing mid combat?"

Tears fell freely. After ten years...

"Hey, hey! It wasn't that bad of a kick! No need to cry over it!" Carver squirmed. He held a hand out and I jumped up with as much speed as I could muster (which was probably too fast in the first place) and latched my arms around his neck.

My body shook as I sobbed silently, making Carver feel helpless and uncomfortable. But it didn't matter to me. Carver, my baby brother, was alive and breathing and _real_.

"It's... real."

Carver twitched a little at the words pouring out of my mouth.

"You're... alive."

Carver sighed and allowed his arms to come around my lithe frame. "Yes, and so are you, and Bethany, and Mother. And that guy who winks at you at the market," his sarcasm was blunt. "I'm not sure you're ready for the army, Sis."

I stopped breathing, every muscle going stiff. "Bethany? Mother?"

"Holding onto the melodramatics today, eh?"

I pulled back, placing both hands on his face and stared into his eyes, looking for injury. Just because I'd never really be sure again.

"Everything's gonna be okay. It's going to be different."

His brows scrunched as he moved out of my range, his eyes asking for an explanation. I ignored it and spun in the direction of the family home and took off at a fast sprint.

I was determined not to cry again. I kept the hugs and affection down to a minimum, and was satisfied by simply watching my family interact. Even with Father dead, with everyone else we were okay. We survive. Carver's death had drove a wedge in between me and my family. I always took the blame. Bethany's kidnapping and induction to the circle made the gape wider. Mother's death shook me to my very core. Although she wasn't as fond of me as the twins, I wasn't alone. But then it was only me and Bethany left. I couldn't blame anyone but myself when I lost my sister. I forced her to leave Kirkwall with Anders.

And, in the end, every one left. I became Vicountess (despite standing with the mages). Someone had to take over and keep the city afloat. It was one of the few ways I could help others. Sebastain, hating me for letting Anders go but refusing to act on it, left for his throne in Starkhaven, offering employment to Fenris as a bodyguard and teacher. Isabela departed on her new ship, taking Merrill with her. Aveline and her husband, Donnic, moved to Orlais. They'd fallen in love with the area on their honeymoon. Varric's contacts took him away and I hardly heard from him. And Anders... well the man was somewhere with my sister.

At dinner, when everyone was laughing and enjoying each other's company, I knew I really couldn't stall any longer.

"Mother..."

My mother, Leandra, looked up from her meal, curiosity alight on her face. I knew that she thought I've been acting weird. With the looks Bethany threw at me then Carver, she wanted to see if I got hit on the head too hard and if she should get revenge on Carver. I couldn't help smiling.

"I was wondering, could you tell us a little about where you grew up? Kirkwall, was it?"

I had to admit, Kirkwall is my home. It was odd, being in Lothering. It didn't feel like home. Just... empty.

Leandra raised a brow. I could almost read her thoughts. I hadn't changed out of my armor and I hadn't unstrapped the daggers on my back. Mother thought something was wrong, but answered anyway.

"Well, I have one brother, your Uncle Gamlen, that I grew up with. The Amells are a powerful and influential family. Why, our estate is located directly below the Vicount's Keep."

She went on and I could see that little sparkle in Bethany's eyes and the bit of interest that came through Carver's indifferent mask.

Perhaps this will be easy?

When Leandra finished, Bethany remarked that it must have been a beautiful sight to see.

Time to ask the question. I hoped for the answer I needed. "Do you think we could take ship and visit?"

Leandra's eyebrows pulled together. "There are a lot of templars in Kirkwall... And we haven't the coin for it."

Not as many templars as there will be...

Bethany looked downcast, the thought of it being her to hold them back from such a trip.

"What if coin wasn't the problem?"

Leandra gave me a look. "Of course it is! A voyage like that would cost at least twenty sovereigns a piece. I don't expect you to have eighty sovereigns lying around."

I forced down a grin. "But would you want to?"

Leandra went back to eating after a curt, "Of course."

I couldn't hold back the grin any longer. "Then it's decided."

Bethany and Carver had abandoned their dinner, watching me and mother, disbelief barely concealed.

"By the Maker, child," Mother sighed.

"If I show you the coin, you'll go pack, alright?"

Bethany looked like she was on the edge of her seat, her hands clasped under her chin, her eyes wide with hope. Carver was extremely doubtful. He was calling my bluff. Mother rolled her eyes.

"Yes, if you can manage to make it appear, I will pack."

I stood and reached into a hidden compartment in my boot, pulling out a small money bag. I didn't bother mentioning that I had several of them hidden on my person and poured the content into my hands, making an estimate of about one hundred and ten gold coins.

They stared at me, wide eyed, as a carefully put it back into the green bag.

"This will cover it." I put it back into my boot and smirked at my gawking family. "Okay, you've seen it. Now finish eating and pack. We'll leave in the morning."

I left just as Carver started swearing in confusion.

"Ah, Lara!" Bethany called as she raced after me.

I paused at the stairwell.

"What about the templars?"

I saw the fear in her eyes, although I now understood a lot better than before. Bethany feared being made tranquil. And holding her family back because of her 'handicap'. And the vicious place that was the Circle.

I placed my hands on my younger sister's shoulders gently. "Despite our bickering, Carver and I can make a pretty fearsome duo. And with you, Bethany, we can be near invincible."

She gave me a small smile. I always did get along better with my optimistic sister than my rash brother.

"Dark days are ahead, Bethany. Become diverse in your spells. I want you to be able to protect yourself and others if I'm not there."

She looked confused but I had known she wouldn't quite understand. She nodded anyway.

"Just promise to be there, sister. Even if I can protect myself. It's nice to know that you're taking care of me."

I smiled and ruffled her hair. "Go pack, Beth. I want to leave at dawn."

Bethany tilted her head to the side. "Why so early?"

I shrugged. "Just want to see where Mother grew up."

Even if it's overrun by thieves.

"Me, too, Sister."

But the look Bethany gave me said she was suspicious.

And who wouldn't be? I just pulled out a lot of money that I have no real excuse for having.

Oh, Maker.

losing

**f o c u s **

After two weeks on the boat, the City in Chains rose above us, intimidatingly. Because refugees weren't lining up at their gates, guards didn't force us to leave, just stopped us a moment to check identification paperwork. Mother asked a guard as he checked who we were about the Amell family.

I winced when the guard muttered something about thieves and Gamlen. I tried to smile.

"How 'bout Mother and Carver, you stay here, and Bethany and I will find Uncle."

Mother started protesting that I had no idea what he looked like but I waved it off. I caught the look Carver threw at me. He didn't like being left behind, but I could tell he understood why. (I'd make it up to him later.)

"He's family. How hard can it be?"

"You remember where I told you the Amell estate is, right?"

I nodded, knowing that I wouldn't bother looking there.

Even a year early, I knew he'd still be in his shack.

"Let's go, Bethany."

She skipped along as we found a ferry to take us to the Docks then continued to Lowtown.

Lowtown was easily the same now as eleven years in the future. It was a short walk from the stairs to Gamlen's shack. When I started for the stairs leading to the shack, Bethany shot me a questioning look.

"But the estate's in Hightown..."

I shrugged, going for nonchalance and pulling on the easiest excuse. "My sources say this is where he lives..." I said, channeling Varric and his all knowing attitude. His sayings always came in handy.

I knocked twice, receiving an immediate response from a mabari inside.

It pulled at my heart strings, hearing Sedas's alerting barks.

The door opened a crack, enough to let me see a glaring eye and a dangerous looking mabari, growing fearlessly. I wondered idly if he would recognize his true master?

"Who are you? Traveling saleswoman? I don't want any!"

He tried closing the door and I quickly slid my foot inside, keeping the door open.

"Are you Gamlen Amell?" Bethany asked quietly. I could see how desperately she wanted him to say no.

"What's it to you?"

So paranoid. The mabari growled at my foot, showing his large teeth. I glared slightly. "_Down, Sedas_," I said in Arcanum, my accent thick, but the mabari got the message.

Mabari were originally from Tevinter and always seemed to respond better to Arcanum rather and the common tongue. The story goes that the magisters brought their mabari with them when invading Ferelden and the mabari defected, finding the Fereldens more suitable masters. At least that's what Fenris said.

It's was because of Fenris that I could speak Arcanum at all. In exchange for reading lessons, he offered to teach me his language. Wouldn't it be hilarious if the first thing I said when I saw him was "Tir-ev-e er-l-ud degit-ud"? It means "Pull my finger". Arcanum is so fun!

Right. Back to the present.

Bethany poked me, and glanced to the dog who was trying to force his way outside, using his mass to force the door open.

I sunk to the ground in a crouch and allowed him to sniff me. "We're your nieces. Leandra's daughters," I said absentmindedly as I started rubbing Sedas's big head. I was forcing myself not to coo at him, something I did so often.

"Traitor," he huffed as he pulled the door wider, his teeth gritting a little. "Leandra's here?"

"Aww, who's a good boy?" Bethany said, unable to resist the ball of fur.

"And waiting for you to greet her, Uncle," I said.

He bobbed his head and stepped outside, locking his door behind him. I stood and started walking away, the mabari immediately ignoring Bethany and chasing after me, giving a happy bark. Bethany followed and Gamlen tried to catch up.

The man glared at the pooch at my side, inwardly seething no doubt. Mabari chose their masters and stay with them for a life time. He knew it was impossible to get in between a mabari and his decided master.

(And it overjoyed me to no end, knowing that the connection Sedas and I have really is set in stone.)

He was a man who had lost everything not rightfully his. Sedas one of those things. The man had won him in a card game. (And he'd cheated.)

After he spoke with Leandra for several minutes, he finally cracked and told her of his destructive habits.

I had long since accepted his gambling seeing as I had taken up the cards as well. (You can't befriend Varric and Isabela and _not_ play.) But Mother and the twins were enraged.

"You gambled it away? Brother! How could you?"

Words were tossed back and forth between the two, snubs and digs about Leandra's eloping. This fight solved nothing.

I stepped forward and placed a hand on my mother and uncle's shoulders, applying a little pressure. Gamlen winced, receiving more of a squeeze than Leandra.

"Lara..." Mother said, her face taking on a awed look.

"This isn't the time to bicker. You can let me worry about the estate. For now, we'll stay in a hotel in Hightown."

Gamlen sneered. "What can you do?" he asked, his lips curled unkindly and I released Mother. I didn't let go of Gamlen though. "The family name doesn't pull much weight anymore. How do you expect to-" he cut off, his knees bending suddenly when I squeezed a pressure point.

"Coin still carries weight, yes? And if not, my blade is heavier."

I could feel the looks my family were giving me, no doubt wondering about the money and this intimidating new me.

I pulled out a gold coin and discretely transferred it to Gamlen. "See my mother to The Manor in Hightown. They are expecting her. Bethany, Carver, you're with me. Let's go."

It was a huge relief, walking through Lowtown, no one recognizing me, no one asking for favors. After becoming Vicountess it had only gotten worse. And the stupid crown I had to wear? Such a headache! Starting over was an odd sensation. And it's extremely hard not to let on to how much I know. My family was already extremely suspicious.

I stopped before the Hanged Man, trying to stay hopeful at the prospect of finding my companions were beyond the door.

"A tavern, sister?" Carver asked, a look of excitement on his face.

Bethany looked disapproving.

"It's to find someone. Get information, that kind of thing." I opened the door and placed a sovereign into Bethany's hand. "I believe they serve tea as well, but I've never tried it." Oh. I said something odd again but the smell of the room and the excitement of the people helped distract them from my error.

Carver pulled his twin away, dragging her to the bar. It wouldn't be another year until Isabela would step foot inside. But I thought maybe Varric would be here.

As Carver indulged and Bethany looked on to make sure he wouldn't do anything stupid, I walked in the direction of Varric's room.

On the way, I spotted a man in the corner, downing a mug of sour ale, several around him. My heart sank and I ached to go to the redhead's side first but knew I needed to prioritize. He wouldn't be leaving anytime soon.

Varric's door was wide open as always and I poked my head inside.

He looked the same, the duster, the pony tail, chest hair and Bianca positioned lovingly in his story telling chair.

His eyes gleamed when he spotted me. "Did you come for a story, Serrah?"

I smiled a little. Is it possible he's had stories not about her? She'd only heard of her exploits. He'd always said they were far to dull in comparison.

"No, actually. I came because I hear you're planning an expedition to the Deep Roads." That was the best excuse I could come up with. It wasn't for another two years, but I hoped that the brothers had at least pondered about it.

Varric's face lost the humorous glint and became serious. "My... associate and I have not yet told anyone of the possibility, but yes. We are." His eyes were stern and did not look trusting.

I shrugged. "It's not as if Bartrend doesn't have a big mouth."

Oh the lies that slipped off my tongue like the truth. My father was a wonderful teacher in the art of deceit. (But he always knew when I lied to him...)

The dwarf slammed his hand on the table, swearing.

"What do you want then?"

I pulled out one of my larger coin bags and tossed it in the air idly. "I want to become a partner."

Varric laughed. "I like you, human. You've got spirit. As one of the brothers, and because I'm smarter- I accept your proposal. But it's going to be at least a year before bartrend gathers everything."

I grinned. "Oh, I know."

Varric, so taken with my charm, decided it would be entertaining to follow me around should I want his company. I was beside myself with joy, struggling to stay composed. The first of my companions! This was really happening!

I suddenly remembered the redheaded man downstairs and raced to see him, carefully side stepping a barmaid juggling far too many drinks.

He was just as I'd left him, drinking away his consciousness, alone, and his bow strapped to his back. He lifted his mug to drink but I intercepted, my hand forcing the pint down. He glared darkly.

"Drinking won't solve your problems. It only numbs the pain."

"Begone, woman," he muttered, his odd accent, that pleasing brogue, shooting shivers down my spine. "I drink to my family, gone forever."

My eyes softened and lowered myself down next to him at the table, my hand moving from his mug to his arm.

"I know. But drinking it away is worse than avenging them. You shame their memory."

His hand stilled as he was about to bring the mug to his lips. "Revenge?"

I could have sighed. This wasn't _exactly_ the path we took last go around (that is, if he wanted to take the revenge himself) but I wouldn't stand in the way of what he wanted.

"Yes! Of course! After I avenge them, I will be at peace!" He moved to stand quickly but swayed, the drinks he'd had taking their toll. I rushed to catch him and slowly lowered him back into his seat.

"Easy, Sebastain. You've ingested a lot of alcohol."

His breathing paused as he looked at me with wide eyes. Even in his drunken state, he knew he hadn't given me his name.

Lie fast, Hawke!

"Nora told me," I said, pointed to the barmaid.

Sebastain relaxed and let out a breath, his crystal eyes watching me. If he had been anyone else, I'd have thought he was giving me bedroom come hither eyes.

His face started turning red before my eyes, and his eyes flickered to the hand that was still touching him, something I'd not forgotten. It infuriated me, this man vowed to chasity.

I gritted my teeth, knowing how stupid I was. He was a priestly prince, bound by his word and birthright to a life I could never be apart of.

He had offered a chaste marriage, all those years ago. It was my rejection (and allowing Anders to run) that caused him to leave for Starkhaven. There he had an actual marriage with a princess, producing an heir soon after.

Chaste marriage, Andraste's...

I removed my hand with a heavy sigh.

He affected the way I thought, even now.

Plastering a fake smile on my lips, I stood after sliding him a piece of paper. "This is where I'm staying for now. You'll need help with that revenge. Call on me when you're sober."

"I didn't catch your name."

"It's Hawke. Just Hawke."

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><p><strong>Author's Note.<strong> Chapter one, done! And I've still got more already written. I'll try to put up some more by tomorrow. Please review, let me know what you liked, what I did wrong, any misspellings or incorrect punctuation. See you all soon!

Reviews:

Sharem: Thanks! I hope you continue to enjoy it! (Real quick, favorite Hawke pairing?)

Review, please! I'd like to know favorite Hawke pairings. I'm contemplating putting it to a poll because I'm extremely indecisive about it. 'Cause Hawke a flexible character, it's easy to see her with anyone.

Thank you, everyone!

NoTouchy.


	3. ii: a letter

**Author's note.** Is it bad that when I get reviews I feel like a little kid at Christmas? Here's the chapter!

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><p><strong>f o c u s <strong>

a letter

I couldn't help the smug look that pulled at my face as I went to retrieve my siblings. Bethany's eyes followed my form and then flickered back to the prince.

"Who was that?" she asked, a brow raised.

"A new friend," I answered mysteriously. He had yet to come find me (and while he's sober), therefore, I would not count my chickens. (Even though I really want to.)

"Here," Bethany said as she handed me back several pieces of silver. I didn't bother taking it from her.

"Save it," I said as I spotted Carver trying to sweet talk Nora, the barmaid. I shot a look at Bethany and she shrugged, as if to say 'it's not like I can control him'.

I grabbed Carver by the scruff of the neck, dragging him away. "Let's go, lover boy."

I looked up at the position of the sun and cursed under my breath. The sun had already started setting, the sky stained with red.

Carver swayed and I dug into my compartment of potions.

"Shit, shit, shit..." I muttered to myself. When I first got to Kirkwall, the bandits had been relentless. The sun goes away and every gang thinks that they can lay claim to the streets. Carver couldn't afford to be tipsy, it could kill him.

Finding Isabela's special tonic (she had a special concoction, what with her always drinking), I pulled the cork out of the vial and got a whiff. My nose scrunched up at the odor. Carver might hate me for a little while.

"Bethany, hold Carver still. We need to sober him up."

"Why, sister?" she questioned. "What's wrong?" She did as she told, holding his arms as he struggled, his mind hazy.

"Bandits." I turned to Carver, sighing. "Honestly, I didn't mean for you to treat yourself so much. This is going to taste bad, but it'll make you alert."

I plugged his nose and shoved the vial's neck in his mouth, draining brown contents.

He coughed, wiping his chin. "Are you trying to kill me?"

Darkness descended and I unsheathed the twin daggers on my back. "Not really. But they do."

A group of mercenaries stood on the stairs, blocking our exit. I would bet all I had that they wouldn't let us pass with a simple 'please'. I discretely dropped a small pelt, a smoke bomb. It rolled a little, but didn't go off.

The man in the front, the leader I guessed, rested a giant ax on his shoulders. My eyes flashed. I wanted it. (Yeah, I couldn't actually use it, specializing in daggers, but wouldn't make a wonderful present for Fenris?)

"Well, what do we have here?" the ax-man asked.

I twitched. Why do they all say that? Had they no originality? I glanced at my sides, Bethany had our father's staff before her, the wood pulsing. Carver, now completely sober, had unsheathed his broadsword, looking excited for a battle.

I looked up at the men surrounding the ax-man, about five of them. "Do any of you have any families or wives?"

Ax-man furrowed his brows. "Why?"

I flashed my best smile. "Oh, you know. Just wondering if I have any widows to contact in the morning."

Carver snickered and Ax-man brought his weapon in front of him. "Why you-"

My grip tightened on my daggers and I stepped on a smoke bomb, the smoke released and hiding my figure from view. I reappeared behind Ax-man and slit his throat. The man dropped and I spun, parrying a sword from one of the dead Ax-man's lackeys. I whipped my other hand out and slashed at the man.

Between the three of us, it was an easy victory.

I grabbed the ax, admiring the craftsmanship that had gone into the weapon. "Loot them," I called softly. "What you find, you keep."

Carver sent a longing look at the ax before checking the pockets of the dead men. Bethany hesitated but did so as I wiped the blood off my daggers on the nearest dead man.

It was comforting, knowing that I still have my skills. But I didn't have time to dwell on that. I had one more errand. I took my siblings to The Manor, the only hotel in Hightown where Mother waited.

They talked over dinner (complimentary from the hotel), Mother mentioning how it didn't seem right, that her parents wouldn't leave her anything. Then she said that Gamlen had told her earlier that he'd left the will in the estate. Bethany commented that she wished we were able to see it. Mother agreed.

After dinner, my family watched as I secured the daggers on my back.

"Going out, Lara?" my mother asked, a look in her eyes. It wasn't suspicion... but I couldn't place it.

"Yes, Mother. I have an errand to take care of. Don't wait up. Carver, Bethany, in the morning we'll go to the market."

I patted Sedas on the way out (he'd refused to go back with Gamlen) and paused, pulling out a coin purse. I tossed it, estimating it's worth. I tossed it to Mother.

"Use this on groceries and whatever else we need. Go ahead and buy yourself something as well. Let me know if you run out."

I closed the door behind me and paused when I heard my mother sigh from behind the door. "Where is she getting all this?"

(It was wrong, eavesdropping, but the curiosity to know what they thought of my 'transformation' was eating at me.)

"Mother, have you noticed anything... different about Lara?" I heard Bethany ask tenatively.

"Yes... she's becoming exactly like your father. He used to do this, too. He'd go out at night on 'errands' and hand me large amounts of money to take care of little expenses," Mother answered.

I looked down at my hands. My father, he did this as well?

"She knew bandits were going to attack us," Carver supplied.

"She knew exactly where Gamlen's house was. She knew about the estate. Perhaps this is why she wanted to come here?"

I clenched my fists. I need to become more aware of what I say and do. They were putting two and two together. But why didn't I want them to know? I knew the answer immediately.

I want to protect them from the cruel fate they'd been given in the past. (Er, future?)

**...**

**..**

hold your

**f o c u s **

**..**

**...**

More dead men at my feet. I sighed. I would always have blood on my hands. That was my lot.

I walked over a slaver and took the path I knew all too well to a little clinic in Darktown.

I had allowed myself to be cut by one of them as an excuse to see Anders, but hadn't counted on the poison. I had the antidote on me but refused to use it.

I pushed open the door, seeing Anders's strong back as he healed a little girl, memories flashing before my eyes.

Anders coming to my room, me teasing him about our threesome.

A kiss... and something more.

He'd been there from the beginning, there when Sebastian had proposed his stupid chaste marriage (did he really think I'd be happy with that? I wanted children, dammit!) and broke my heart. I'd come to honestly love him.

In the end, he gave me betrayal.

I hardened my heart, holding my injured left arm, the poison starting to take affect, paralyzing it and moving up.

The little girl healed, she jumped up and raced away, laughing all the way. Anders turned, watching the girl, a smile on his face. The smile disappeared when he saw me.

He looked less tortured. More human.

I fell forward as the poison spread at an alarming rate, forcing me to my knees. I looked up at him, knowing how much trust I was putting in his character. If he didn't heal me, I was most likely going to die.

All I could do was whisper a small (pathetic) 'help' before my vision blotted out.

…

**..**

**...**

Huh.

After all this time, with all my guilt and pain, I still trusted the liar. I trusted the liar who blew up the Chantry.

Huh.

I really needed better friends.

I woke with my armor stripped and wearing simple robes, laying in a small bed, the covers pulled up to my shoulders.

At least my trust was well rewarded.

"Awake, are you?"

Shock gripped my body. Anders always had an overwhelming presence, I'd always been sure it was from the man. But...

Well, at least he wasn't possessed. Yet.

I pulled myself up, a definite soreness in my left arm. I knew Anders could have healed that as well. He wanted me to feel how close I was to death. And that he was the one to save me.

The man was very much the same, but his eyes spoke volumes. He was angry. Well, he did say his anger tainted Justice. I'd never wondered just how mad at the world he was. Is.

He was glaring, a little vial in his hands. He'd found my bottle of antidote.

"You had this on you. Why didn't you use it like a smart person?"

I bit back the urge to retort, "Ever think that maybe I'm not a smart person?" I don't think he wanted an answer. He had that look he always got when he'd made his decision and couldn't be persuaded otherwise, no matter what you say.

The Chantry destruction was brought to the forefront of my mind.

"I wanted to make sure I could trust you."

His face screamed, "Wrong answer!"

"I think you wanted to lure me to use my powers. Templar scum, using a beautiful woman..."  
>I knew I should have brought Bethany.<p>

"My sister is an apostate. Why would I help the templars?"

His eyes narrowed. "Why did you come alone, then?"

I clutched the sheets. "I won't bring my siblings to a dangerous place if it's not necessary. I made a vow to protect my loved ones, even if I have to put myself into danger."

Anders looked like he wanted to believe me, but he hadn't stayed alive all these years by falling for every sob story.

I flexed my left arm, wincing a bit, and glared at the healer.

"You don't even know me," I growled, referring to the arm he'd not entirely healed. He had no right judging me. What he was capable of- I stopped myself. It hadn't happened yet. I couldn't blame him for something that hadn't happened.

He raised a brow. "And you don't know _me_."

I think I was extremely exhausted, because, suddenly, that was the funniest think I had ever heard. I burst out laughing, smacking the bed as tears streamed down my face. But that laughter soon turned to sobs that racked my body like violent waves. I bit my lip to keep silent, like I always did when I cried, pulling up my legs and trying to make myself smaller.

Although he was sitting before me, uncomfortable and unsure of what to do, all I could see was his lifeless body, on the cold ground, Meredith's pure tainted lyrium sword stabbed through his shoulder, his eyes devoid of life.

Despite the fact that (in a fit of rage) I destroyed Meredith and got my revenge, the nightmares still came, demons hounding me.

I'd done the unspeakable after, forcing Anders to come back.

Hesitant arms wrapped around me, forcing me from the past (future?). I threw my arms around his shoulders, trying to tell myself that he was real.

"Shh..." he muttered, rubbing soothing strokes down my back.

I calmed myself a bit, laying my head in the crook of his neck, taking in the scent of him. I laughed a little.

"Hmm?" he asked, running his fingers through my dark shoulder length hair.

"I'm not Ser Pounce-A-Lot."

His movements stilled and I realized my mistake as he released me. He eyed me suspiciously. "How do you know of him?"

I laughed nervously, rubbing the back of my neck.

I came to a decision immediately, looking up at Anders, a serious look on my face. "Yes, I suppose someone should know," I muttered, determination strengthening my resolve. "In all your years as a Grey Warden, have you ever come across a forbidden type of magic that is capable of time travel?"

His face went blank, then confusion filled his eyes. "You are not a mage..."

I forced myself to swallow and shook my head.

"And you think you're from the future."

The way he said it, so sarcastic, made me glare at him. He gulped.

"Must I prove it?" I went into the facts without waiting for a response. "Your name is Anders, you hate templars, volunteer your help to an underground organization of which you never gave me real information, just that you help get mages out of the city using the passages under Darktown, your favorite color is blue, the Grey Wardens made you get rid of your cat, and that cat, Ser Pounce-A-Lot, hated the Deep Roads, just like you do." I took a deep breath. "Is that enough for you?"

He took another visible gulp.

I smiled a little at his face, he'd have to believe me now.

He got his thoughts in order. "Was the future so bad that you came back to fix it?"

My eyes darkened, but I tried to keep the small smile in place. "I've already saved my little brother."

His eyebrows rose.

"One year from now, my home will be destroyed by the Blight. Last time, Carver died while we were escaping. I've relocated them to Kirkwall. Now I just have to make sure Bethany isn't taken to the Circle and Kirkwall's killer doesn't get my mother."

I looked down at my hands, letting the smile slip away as grief pulled at my heart.

Anders gently placed his hand on mine and I looked up at his face. He looked like he'd made an important decision.

"I offer my services to you then. If there is anything I can do-"

I clasped his hand and leaned toward him, a sense of urgency pushing me on.

"Don't allow Justice to enter your body!" I yelled, fear pushing the grief out of the way. Anders couldn't do that again. If he did... He'd be signing his own death warrant.

His eyes widened and I saw recognition, he'd already met the spirit.

"You have like goals, but your anger will taint him. He will take over your body and preform acts of destruction... You weren't you anymore..."

He put the hand not captured on my shoulder. "You really cared about me, eh?"

Tears swelled in my eyes again. "We were happy for a time. We were in love."

I saw the question in his eyes and squeezed his hand. "You, or rather, Justice, did something unforgivable. But I couldn't kill you. You left."

I let go of his hand and pulled back the covers and stood on without any problems. Anders rose quickly. "I'll finish healing you." I stood still as his hands glowed over my arm, relishing the feeling of his warm magic penetrating my skin. It had always been like this. I'd never gone anywhere without Anders or Fenris. He would always be there to heal the wounds and Fenris would always be there, ready to step up and protect me (never mind the face that I didn't need it).

My arm felt better quickly and I gathered my armor. I looked at Anders pointedly, hoping he'd get the hint.

He blushed and stammered out, "O-oh, ri-right. I'll leave you to it."

The smile came before I could push it down and I sighed when he closed the door behind him. I pulled on my armor and tucked the few things he managed to find back into their hiding spots.

Everything in its place, I left without a goodbye. I would not encourage him to go down that road. After so many years (both in the future and going back) I'd moved on. Hopefully.

…

**..**

**...**

Sedas howled the next morning, far too early in my opinion. He bounded onto my bed and gave me a single slobbery lick, efficiently getting me up before he could land another assault.

"I'm up, I'm up!" I yelled at the dog who then rolled on my bed, taking my warm spot. I pouted. "You just want to sleep, is that it? You greedy dog."

I ran my fingers through my messy hair and looked around the room. I didn't get a good look around the room last night, being that I came in late and it was dark. It was a fine room, a king sized bed taking up most of the space, a writing desk with all of the needed supplies, a simple chair, a dresser and a large fireplace, the embers barely alive.

I looked over at the dog when he growled. Sedas had started sniffing the bed and then hopped off and sniffed me. He growled and I could only guess that he could smell Anders. I crouched down to his level. "Oh, don't worry. You're the only one for me." I patted his head and dropped a kiss to his nose.

I stood and stretched. Another night spent thinking. I hated how I could never sleep without someone there. And if I did sleep, I was tormented my nightmares, seeing my family and all my friends die, over and over.

I pushed away the thought and pulled out a health potion and downed it. I'd been warned before by Anders that if I didn't sleep, I had better at least drink a potion. My insomnia would make me weaker if I wasn't careful.

I still had four and a half companions left to find and gather. Pulling out the seat at the writing desk, I got to work on a letter.

**...**

_.._

_Dear Maveric,_

_How are you, dear cousin? Well, I hope. I have a job for you. Perhaps you are up to an adventure with your fellows? As you know, I am in Kirkwall with family, therefore unable to find my friends. Enclosed are the names of my friends and where I suspect them to be. No need to contact them. I simply wish to know where they are so I can visit. Also enclosed is payment for the trip. I will pay you forty sovereigns for each friend found._

_Their names and approximate locations:_

_Aveline: Lothering. Guard to Calian._

_Isabela: Unknown. She's a pirate, simply ask about her in every port you enter._

_Fenris: Minrathous, Tevinter. He's a slave/ bodyguard to Magister Danarius._

_Be careful in how you inquire about Fenris and Isabela. They're a bit dangerous. Don't confront them. They most likely don't remember me. We met briefly and it has been a long time._

_Thank you so much, dear cousin._

_Hawke_

**..**

**...**

My letter written, I left the house (thank goodness Sedas's baying did not wake my family) to send off the post, opening the door to see Sebastian, his hand raised to knock.

"Ah!" He stepped back, startled. "Serrah Hawke? I have thought about what you said..."

"Hmm..." I reached out my hand, about to touch his chest plate.

Sebastian stumbled back a step, out of my reach. "Serrah Hawke?"

I brushed pasted him, smirking over my shoulder. "Just checking to see if you were sober." I kept walking, hearing my mabari trotting behind me to catch up, excited for a walk. I paused and looked over my shoulder again when I didn't hear Sebastian following.

"You coming, Vael?"

I saw his eyes narrow at the use of his last name but he moved forward to my side quickly. It was simple to translate the look he gave me.

He didn't trust me.

**…**

**..**

**...**

We went to the docks, a silence descending around us. It was starting to annoy me, the way he watched my every move. Like I was a timebomb.

I paid a captain to deliver my letter to Ferelden and turned on my heel, going back the way I came. The hair on the back of my neck rose, sending vibrations through my body, telling me that I was being watched. He was probably curious about the letter.

"It's for my cousin," I stated, hoping he would now have no reason to stare so intently. He wasn't walking beside me any longer. He was behind me, following me like everyone used to. Now if we had two more people here, it would feel like old times.

"Your cousin?" he repeated.

I didn't feel like responding, I'd told him who it was for but other than that, it wasn't his business.

"Are you homesick then?" his thick brogue asked.

I stopped before the steps leading up to Lowtown, and looked at the unused compound to my right.

The place that would hold the Qunari in three years. The war that would follow. And then the duel between the Arishok and I.

Sedas pushed his wet nuzzle against my hand and I was released from the flash back. I glanced at Sebastian, seeing him still watching me. I remembered that he asked a question.

"No. I've not thought Ferelden as my home from a long time." I patted Sedas's large head and continued walking towards Lowtown. "So you've decided on something?"

"I'd like to take you up on your offer of revenge."

"But, as a Brother of the Faith, you wish for me to take care of it," I said finishing his thought. I had a feeling things would happen this way.

I heard the sharp intake of breath. He was definitely the same.

"It will take a little while. I'm trying to gather a team."

"A team?"

I paused on the steps and turned facing him, now a head taller. "I'm sending my cousin in search of three would-be-companions. Once they are located and my mother taken care of, I leave in search of them." I gave him a shrug and continued, near the top of the steps. "Boring things must be done beforehand. You are welcome to come along, though. I could use an archer as good as yourself."

"You are inviting me on a journey?"

"Yes. I know you hardly know me. I understand if you don't wish to travel with a strange woman and her siblings. Besides, these people are dangerous. They don't know me yet but I know that we'll all become friends." I looked over my shoulder as we started up the steps to Hightown. "Just like I know that we will become friends."

When we reached The Manor, I turned to him and Sedas, intending to tell him to stay put. He caught me by surprise, taking my hand in his and bowing over it. "It seems you have everything figured out." He pressed a light kiss to my knuckles and blood seemed to pump itself into my face. "I would be honored to join you on your travels, My lady."

His crystal eyes seemed to stab my very soul and I yanked my hand from his to break the spell he seemed to be casting over me. I stalked away from him to the door, throwing a simple order over my shoulder.

"Stay."

Sebastian looked at the mabari sitting at his feet. "Was she talking to you or me, I wonder?"

I was trying to stay annoyed, but found myself giggling as I entered the hotel in search of my siblings.

The Manor was actually a simple manor, large enough for three noble visiting families. Meaning, it could have fit about twenty common families. It was made up of three floors, everything you'd possibly need in one of the individual floors. I had booked my family the top floor, meaning I had several stairs to climb.

Inside, Bethany and Carver were up, dressed and eating breakfast. I could see their weapons propped up against the wall, ready to go out and explore. During the stair climbing, I'd finally decided that I was annoyed.

I stomped into the kitchen, muttering to myself. "Stupid git. Thinks he's so _smooth_."

Bethany laughed. "Found a suitor already, sister? Mother will have a fit."

I rolled my eyes. "Yes, Mother will be most delighted. Now, hurry, eat your food. We'll leave a note for her."

"What's on your agenda, Sister?" Carver asked after shoveling the rest of his bread into his mouth.

"Yes, I've seen that look, Lara," Bethany pointed out. "What's going on?"

I grinned. "It's a surprise. Just let me grab something from my room."

I dashed to my room, feeling the twins' eyes following me. Where I left it the night before was a simple key. The night before, after I'd left Anders' clinic, I broke into Gamlen's house and found the key from Darktown into the basement of the family's estate.

I'm such a bad person.

I went back to the kitchen, calling out to the cleaning twins. "I'll be outside."

On the way out, I let Sedas in, knowing that he'd be smart enough to know where to go.

"Right," I said, sitting on the steps, watching Sebastian who had waited patiently. "They'll be out as soon as they finish cleaning their breakfast."

His eyes seemed to flash. "Did you have the chance to eat this morning?"

I shot him a disarming smile. "Nope."

As the twins exited, Sebastian threw her an apple he pulled out of his pack. His eyes darkened a shade. He could have screamed, 'eat it!', the intent was he same.

I bit into it, avoiding the twins' eyes as I hurried through the introductions.

"Sebastian, Bethany and Carver. Brats, this is Sebastian. He's a rogue. He specializes in archery."

Sebastian observed Bethany a bit too closely, his eyes honing in on her staff. I stepped up slightly in front of Bethany in a protective manner, a snarl starting to curl my lips, flashing white teeth. I glared at him, daring him to even _try_ to take Bethany away from me.

He held up his hands to show he meant no harm. "You'll no have to worry about me betraying you, Hawke. You've taken on a selfish request. I will not stand in the way of it being completed."

I relaxed a bit, bringing the apple to my mouth. "Alright," I said after swallowing. "I will trust you. Do not betray that trust." I turned and walked towards the market place. "It's not easy to get back."

**…**

**..**

**...**

I had to admit, every time I saw him felt like a punch in the gut. I felt a hand on my shoulder, and looked up at Bethany, her grip on her new staff tight. "Are you alright, Sister?"

Earlier, they'd all been laughing as Carver and Bethany picked out new equipment, both of them making digs at me. Even Sebastian jumped in.

I laughed when he asked me if I offered my information to every drunk I came across. I had given him a wide eyed look, saying that I only did so to those who had the innocent, choirboy look about them.

It had been then that Varric appeared, sizing Sebastian up and then winking at me. "Definitely a Choirboy, Hawke."

I offered Varric the chance to rough up some.. people, (to which Bethany, Carver, and Sebastian all perked up about) but he turned me down. "Business," he explained.

Yes, because business consists of going to the Hanged Man, getting drunk, telling farfetched stories, and playing cards with some hapless victims.

Business.

"Anything wrong, Sister?"

I came out of my thoughts, realizing that everyone was waiting on me. They now knew what we were doing in Darktown (and Bethany couldn't be more excited). I made on of my impulsive decisions. "No, but there is one last friend I've made that I've yet to introduce all of you to."

Carver perked up. "Your errand last night?"

I nodded, going to the doors of Anders' clinic and letting myself in.

He was at his desk, sorting mail, his back to us. He rose quickly, his staff in his hand, trying to look threatening. He lowered it upon spotting me.

"Hawke! You left last night without a goodbye- I didn't know if-" He stopped, looking at the people behind me. "I would assume those two are the siblings you spoke of?" he asked, looking at Bethany and Carver.

I nodded. "Yes. This is Bethany, Carver, and Sebastian. Everyone this is Anders."

Bethany looked between us, and I know she saw what I did. Anders had a lovestruck aura around him, something that reminded me of a puppy. I could feel some kind of menace and glance over my shoulder, seeing the scowl on Sebastian's face. Something told me that he didn't like Anders. Huh.

"You were positive, Anders, that you wanted to offer your services.?"

"Of course, Hawke. Anything."

I heard Carver groan and I took a deep breath to calm myself. Not going there.

I gave him my best smile. "Okay, then. Care to join us if you aren't busy?"

Anders took a moment to glance about his empty clinic. "Not at all. Lead on."

**…**

**..**

**...**

* * *

><p><strong>Author's note. <strong>Woah. That was a close one. Almost wrote myself into a corner. So I figured there might be a few questions about the clinic scene, what with Hawke seeing Anders's dead body on the ground. I don't feel like I've explained it properly.

Anders _does_ live (during the whole evil Meredith thing). It's simply something that Hawke did that healed him. I figure I'll let the secret out of the bag soon. (Though I'd be willing to bet that a lot of you figured it out. That was a pretty big clue.)

Oh and BloodyOrchid said something in her review that hit me hard. From here onward, it's Hawke/Multi. Gonna be awesome!

Reviews!

**BloodyOrchid**: Thank you for your praise! And, yes, wonderful idea! I'll try not to get attached to a specific pair:)

**Those who call me T.I.M.**: That's what I had thought! I'm throwing the rules out the window (Whose to tell me that she can only have three companions at a time?) It'll get more interesting next chapter when the hunt for her friends starts. Look forward to it!

NoTouchy.

And hey, I got this nice chapter up only one day after the last one (although it's like seven-eightish) because I got two very nice reviews. So... please?


	4. iii: nightmare

I felt that the first part of this is pretty choppy. Sorry, my heart wasn't so much into the fighting so it's pretty suckish.

* * *

><p>f o c u s<p>

iii: nightmares

* * *

><p>An arrow shot past me, missing me and penetrating the neck of the rouge mage before me. I looked down at the mage-induced burns in annoyance before sending a nod to Sebastian.<p>

The wine cellar was by now devoid of thieves, Carver throwing his arms (and broadsword) into the air with a joyous shout.

Which was loud enough to alert the thieves a couple of rooms over. I shot Carver a look as Anders came to my side quickly, his hand glowing blue as it rested on my burn. The pain receded almost immediately. My eyes caught the sight on an enemy and I pushed Anders behind me, deflecting an arrow meant for him.

Throwing a dagger at the man (and efficiently ending him) I glanced back at Anders. "Thank you, but wait till we're safe before healing."

I could easily decipher his look ("It's you. You can't expect me not to come to your rescue any chance I get.") but tried to ignore it. I couldn't help that little feeling surging up in me, the happiness of someone caring for my well-being.

I retrieved my dagger after taking down another archer and kicked a rogue that had been stalking me in the shadows. He fell back, hacking up blood.

A deathly calm came over me, like it always did when I became a reaper. Sending the souls of the enemy to Hell.

It seemed that the sounds of our struggles had caught the attention of all the thieves in the building. But with my large group, there wasn't a possible way that they could take us.

It was over in a matter of fifth teen minutes.

Bethany huffed, wiping at the sweat on her forehead and it looked like Sebastian was out of arrows.

Carver looked like he wanted to continue fighting and Anders kept sneaking glances my way as if he wanted to check to make sure I was okay.

We looted the men and I found the key we needed. I tossed it to Bethany (she was glowing with excitement. It would be better if she got to open it herself) and she led the way up the stairs to the safe.

…**.**

…

**..**

**.**

Bodies everywhere. The signs of violence were everywhere. From the broken concrete to the walls where blood was painted. I panted, the last standing.

I crumpled to the ground, my sobs too urgent, too needed, to be silenced. I screamed, madness surrounding me. I gripped my head, tasting salty tears.

His body lay a few feet before me but it felt like miles away. I crawled to him, slowly, painfully. I slid my lap under his heavy head, stroking his face, his hair.

I had felt my sanity ebbing away when I'd confronted him, several hours before this atrocity. In my anger, I'd forgotten my carefully constructed facade, the secret underneath.

Everyone that I'd known as friend had looked on in horror.

My skin had hummed with the elements, fire dominating and making me glow in the growing darkness.

After I realized what I'd done, after I'd come to the conclusion that I could not kill Anders, Fenris was the first to speak.

"_All this time. All this time, the one I trusted most was a mage?"_ His green eyes had begged. Pleaded for me to say it was an illusion.

He was the first to leave, betrayal flashing in his eyes.

Sebastian's crystal eyes looked dull. He promised that, now knowing what I was, he would not send his army. He would leave, leave and never look back. He still had that look in his eyes, my rejection still fresh.

Anders stood by, finally understanding. Only he remained.

And when the world stopped and the Gallows destroyed, he was gone, too.

I lifted my dagger, allowing the smooth metal to rest against my throat. I looked down at his lifeless body.

"I'll be with you soon."

I pressed, a thin line of blood spilling. I took one last breath and a hand gripped mine, forcing the dagger away from my neck.

**.**

**..**

…

…**.**

"_What in Andraste's name are you doing?"_

I shot up, my trusty dagger pointed to the intruder, scaring Sebastian slightly before he rushed to my bathroom and came out, a towel in hand.

He pressed it to my neck, forcing the dagger out of my hand. I noticed it was coated with crimson. My blood.

"Oh, Maker!" I cried, putting a hand over his large one, applying more pressure. I pulled away from him, getting out of my bed, only in my small clothes, pulling a rich red bottle from my desk drawler. I downed half of the potion, turning my back to Sebastian, hand to my neck. Making sure he wouldn't see, I pulled on my magic and healed my neck. I turned back, wiping at the blood on my collar bone, my neck clean of injury.

"That's quite the potion," he remarked, a bit of red on his cheeks.

I looked down, recalling that I had less on than I usually did but shrugged it off, going for nonchalance to downplay my nightmare. I did not need someone trying to understand why I'd tried to kill myself.

"You've seen women in their small clothes, Sebastian. Most likely less." I sent him a pointed look.

He gulped noticeably and looked around the room for anything to stare at besides me. He almost settled his gaze on the bed, the blankets twisted and wrinkled from sleep, and hastily looked to the fireplace, his face the color of his hair.

He was incredibly easy to read. I couldn't help the giggle and he looked back to me, keeping his eyes on mine as he walked forward and took the cloth from my fingers.

"You're going to rub yourself raw," he stated as he dipped the cloth into the basin, squeezing out the excess water, turning the remaining pink. With the flex of his index finger, he motioned me towards him. I moved forward and once in range, he proceeded to clean my collarbone gently.

Despite the tension I felt, waiting for him to ask, the soft strokes of the cloth made me shiver slightly, Sebastian's eyes cutting to me. The look in those crystal eyes... if he wasn't a choirboy, I'd say he was looking at me with bedroom eyes. (Well, we were in the bedroom. And he hasn't tried anything. I couldn't help but curse the Maker and his chantry and his vows of chastity.)

His eyes dropped after a moment and concentrated on cleaning. His patience must be huge, to not have uttered a single question about the unconscious suicide attempt.

Finished, he draped the cloth on the basin. "Your mother told me to wake you for breakfast." He glanced at my bed again. "I'm glad I rushed."

I had been so sure he'd ask that I'd already been prepared to tell him the truth. Well, a half-truth. So prepared that I reached out and grasped his sleeve when he stepped towards the door.

"Wait," I said, my voice cracking. (Really, if he didn't even ask, I shouldn't tell, right? Am I just that stupid?) "Don't you- er- want to know?"

His feet, still facing the door, turned slightly back in my direction but he didn't look at me. The way he held himself, tense, hands clenched, made me wonder just what he was thinking.

When he spoke, it came out forcefully. "Yes. Of course I do. But I've no claim to be intitled to that information. I thought, perhaps, you'd rather speak with the mage."

Just mentioning him, the reason for causing that self inflicted wound, made my body shake as tears came to my eyes.

I still, to this day, do not understand why the dreams continued to plague me. With Bethany's help, we had brought him back from the dead, Justice giving his life to save his host. He and Bethany left soon after.

I think it was the knowledge of losing him entirely. It wasn't long after I took the role of Vicountess that a letter arrived...

...Announcing the union of my sister and Anders.

I came back to myself when I was crushed into Sebastian's breastplate, his arms wrapping around me, strong and protective. The tears streamed freely and I clung to him, fighting for that physical tie that kept me here.

This was real.

He was real.

No one was dead.

Yet.

…

…

….

Why was I so weak? Not one week ago, I found myself in this same situation, breaking when confronted by the past (future?) and clinging to the nearest person.

This time it was Sebastian, someone I wanted to respect me. There goes that.

After the tears subsided, I stayed in his embrace, tense and waiting for him to push me away, as if he'd just remembered I was a woman and he vowed to chastity. He made no move to let me go though. My head rested in the indention where his shoulder and neck met, arms wrapped around his waist. I could feel one of his hands making lazy symbols on my bare back and the other running its fingers through my hair.

My face felt hot. This was the largest amount of affection he'd ever given me. It certainly caught me off guard.

Searching for an excuse to be released (I really could not think inside those arms), it took me a second to remember his purpose for waking me. Breakfast.

Taking a deep breath, I relaxed my grip on his clothing and eased myself out of his arms. I felt a stab of disappointment. He didn't look at all like he enjoyed consoling me or sad to have me out of his arms (though, I supposed, who would?) and wouldn't look me in the eye.

Was he ashamed to have held me? Was he angry because he put his vow in danger?

I bit the inside of my cheek. The fast I told him, the faster he'd be out of my room. It was the least I could do seeing that I'd made him unhappy and uncomfortable with my ridiculous bawling.

I looked away, mad at my weakness. He would never respect me.

"A nightmare. It's been awhile since I last cut myself..."

I hoped that was good enough for him. If it was, he could leave and I could bemoan my existence.

I could hear his teeth grinding. "Awhile? It's happened before?"

I could almost hear his thoughts Weak. Pathetic. Attempting suicide, the Maker will damn her soul. She's incapable of withstanding any pressure or stress. Better run back to the Chantry before I do something I regret.

"It's a memory. This hasn't happened in a year. But today... I believe it's the anniversary. I'd forgotten."

I'd pushed the thoughts away, wishing I'd died that day. It was selfish of me. So despicable that I wished Anders and I had died together. Then my sister would have never taken him from me.

"Forgot?" He finally looked at me, anger aglow in his eyes. "You forgot that you attempted to end your life!"

He tried capturing my shoulders, probably to shake me, but I moved back quickly, evading him.

"What the hell were you thinking!"

"Don't you dare." My throat had started to close up and it came out a whisper. Forceful and deadly. "Don't you dare judge me, you hypocrite! I had lost everything- family, friends, lover, home. I had nothing left! I was living a dying life..." My anger cleared for a sudden moment of clarity.

Shit.

I'd said too much again. My anger had gotten the best of me and I'd said far too much. Let on more than what was safe.

I gulped, avoiding his eyes. "Please inform my mother I will not be at breakfast."

I spun quickly, going to my dresser and pulled out my light leather armor, something I wore around town where the only threats were thugs.

I started dressing despite that he could be watching. I heard his footsteps but it wasn't toward the door. He stopped just behind me, his breath fanning the back of my neck. Goosebumps rose on my arms.

"Family?" he asked, whispering into my ear. "What do you mean, you lost your family? They're downstairs."

"Sebastian. Trust me when I say you don't want to understand. You think you do, but you'll only regret it."

I finished clasping the front and he turned me slowly til I was facing him. He came closer, invading my personal space, until my back hit the dresser. His hands rose, pressing themselves on either side of my head in a dominating manner.

"I want to know everything, Hawke." His rough brogue sent shivers down my spine, making me want to tell him. "If it's about you, I want to know everything."

I sighed, deciding it really was no use. It seemed it would only be a matter of time before everyone knew. (I knew I couldn't allow that. I would only let these two know. They would be the only ones. I hoped.) But it was so hard keeping the act up.

Ducking below his arm, I went to my bed post and lend against it, earning myself breathing room.

I took a deep breath and proceeded to spin my tale, not quite giving all the details, like my secret of being a mage, my lovelife, or the epic war between templars and mages. Only that it was bad enough to return.

Sebastian more or less accepted it. "You did act as if we were longtime friends," he said.

I winked. "Not yet."

* * *

><p><strong>Author's note.<strong> You notice how all the love interests all have these huge character flaws?

Fenris- One, his markings burn if you touch him. He's got to be in a lot of pain in a serious make out session. Two, he's a quiet, broody jerk when he wants to be. Three, he won't _shut up_ about how evil mages are. Yes, Fenris, we love you very much. Yes, we apologize for your hard life. But you are a _FREE_ man now and can do whatever the ef you want now. Not all mages are evil, as Hawke has certainly portrayed. I mean, you've never seen _her_ fall under the spell of a demon and turn on her friends in the fade, right? And pretty much everyone else did! (Well, Anders didn't, but there was only two demons attempting to tempt people. If there had been three, I would have probably been out of luck.)

Anders- He's all push, push, push away! I'm a horrible human being, only I have Justice in me, so I'm not really a human being. I'm a demon. I want you, but I would drown us in blood to keep you safe. So don't come near me, but you still have to help me out. Oh, and that noise just now? Yeah. I used you to destroy the Chantry.

I was playing DA2 and I knew it would happen, but I still screamed, "DAMMIT, ANDERS!"

Sebastian- He's wonderful. He has no faults, a sexy Scottish accent, extremely hot, and he's a _prince_. But oh. Wait.

He's taken a vow of chastity and it's all about the Maker all the time and if you want to be with him you've got to become a sister in the faith and LET'S PRAY TOGETHER. But we'll never do it. Cause it's a chaste marriage.

Somewhere, the creators are laughing at my pain. They so did it on purpose.

(I realized this after seeing DA:2 Romance by DrHitpoint, an amazing picture on DeviantArt. Check it out!)

THAT'S WHERE I COME IN AND CHANGE EVERYTHING WITH THIS FIC!~

Yay. That's my rant. This chapter's about four pages long and revolves around Hawke and Sebastian. Next will be about retrieving Fenris! (He likes to bitch, but I can't help but love him for it.) See you then!

Hey... anyone know a good beta? I'm thinking I should get one, yes?

...

AH. Reviews.

**Mysterious Panther:** Yes, and yes! Saw your review and now look where we are! I finished it! Woot! Thanks for the review:) I really appreciate it!

**Ronin Kenshin: **Thanks:) Hope you enjoy this one, too!

**BloodyOrchid:** I wasn't going to have any fighting scene, I like to skip a bit. But since it sounded like you'd enjoy it, I included a bit of the Hawke estate clean up. (Hawke later goes to the Keep, and buys it off the Vicount... For cheap, she does know how to barter... and threaten. Heheh) And five times? You read this five times? I LOVE YOU. Thanks for taking the time to read it so much and review:)

_theifkingbakura1:_ Thanks:) Me likey thumbs up.

**Those who call me T.I.M.:** (Does T.I.M. stand for anything? I've been wondering...) I, myself, enjoy F!Hawke/Fenris more than the others, (Sebastian next then Anders) and will have a whole bunch of all three. But, not even I know who will get the girl in the end. Depends on the amvs I watch I guess. Hahaha. Yeah, I get some of my inspiration from AMVs. It's a good way to relax and not stress out about where the story is going. (I know where it's going. But you don't. MWAHAH.)

Reviews can only make me happier! (And make me review faster.) See you guys soon!


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